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Dave Twery's Journal
Well, I've been sitting on this long enough; here are my editings to Dave
Twery's journal of waybackwhen. Many of the corrections are taken from the
critiques written after Twery's posting by me and Nick and others.
CUVMB's mailing ability seems to be down today, and I don't seem to be able
to reach Twery at all lately, but what the hell.
So as to keep things small, I'll intersperse comments between sentences.
{ Journal, by Dave Twery, edited by Mark Shoulson }
ni'oni'o detri li pasosopa pi'e ze pi'e reno
(newnew topic) (something) dated 1991;7;20
Hope this is an okay way to do the dating.
.i ca la xanict. ge'u .e vi le ckafyzda beme'e zo .kairos.
during the 6-night and at the coffeenest named "kairos"
This is pretty ugly and likely wrong. There are probably more specific
ways to do this, but I couldn't find a nice one that remained vague and
elliptic.
ni'o mi na ca xamgu lifri .ije mi na pante fi la'edi'u
(new) I not now good experience. And I not complain about the-previous
Probably need some UI here. Twery had some, which I seem to have lost.
His idiomatic English: I don't feel good tonight but I'm not going to bitch
about it." I think this works, but I'm not real sure about the xamgu lifri
part. Upon reflection, it really should be zabna, not xamgu
.i glare je jaurvacri
hot and water-air
"it's hot and humid." straight from the original. Just fine.
.i su'e pare remna cavi zvati
at-most 12 humans here-now are-at
I like this a little better than the original, su'e pare remna cu ca zvati
ti. "ti" is just too broad.
.i .ui mi ca kakne lenu lojbo cusku
(happy!) I now am-able the-event-of Lojbanically expressing
A bit better idiomatically than the original. (BTW, rather than quoting
the original all the time, if you've lost it, write and I'll send or
repost).
ni'o la lusis. ce la marias. tavla simxu
(new) Lucy unordered-set-conjunction Maria talkingly are-mutual.
Nick's translation. Strange in English, but nice in Lojban, I think.
.i la lusis. pa'a ca citka le xilkemtitna'a
[ noi se cmene zoi .tik. doughnut .tik. bau le glibau ]
Lucy also now eats the wheel-(sweet-bread)
which-is-incidentally named "doughnut" in-language English-language
Not sure if barcketed phrase belongs, hence the brackets. Nick cleaned up
the lujvo. I had favored "zo .donyt." but it *is* a foreign quote, so
deserves proper "zoi"-ing.
.i piro mi'a masno zukte
All-of me/us-and-others slowly move
Twery had a "humorous" sentence (marked with "zo'o") that I really didn't
understand, so I just did a straight translation.
ni'o lo nanmu pu cusku ledu'u zoi .tik. mocha .tik. se krasi le banxaua,ii
(new) a man earlier expressed the-sentence "mocha" is-originated-by
language-hawaii
More or less what Twery had, with a cmavo change here and there and the
grammar corrected.
.i mi pupu na djuno le sego'i
I earlier-earlier not know the second-arg-to-previous-sentence
Changed tense here (from "pu"), and use "le sego'i" instead of la'edi'u,
since the latter would refer to whole previous sentence, which is not what
I want. I don't think I need a "la'e" here. Do I?
.i mi pupu krici ledu'u le banrtali krasi zoi .tik. mocha .tik.
I earlier-earlier believe the-sentence the language-italy is-origin-of
"mocha"
Changed tense, and used krici instead of pensi, since belief is what we
want, not being pensive. Also fixed the le'avla construction, and restated
the word rather than using an unassigned "ke'o". I didn't think it was
worth assigning or using "ru" or some such.
ni'o la djysten. goi ko'a ca co'a tavla fi la sr,gau,uen.
(new) Justin hereafter-called he1 now starts talking about Sir Gawain
almost straight from original. All right, except for spelling of "Gawain"
in original translation. Only change was transliteration of the name.
Perhaps tavla is the wrong gismu, maybe casnu would be better? Probably
okay as it stands.
.ije ko'a teke minde cusku lu ko sisti li'u la o,uyn.
And he1 is-(commandingly-expressed-to) "You(imper!) stop" by Owen
Changed gismu from tavla, which really wasn't right. Could have done minde
te cusku, matter of choice. Anyone with a better tanru?
ni'o la stiv. jo'u la bet. puze'a klama vi
(new) Steve in-common-with Beth earlier medium-interval come to here
Changed conjunction. I had originally changed it to "joi", but I think
"jo'u" is better: they didn't come in as a team, such that the job
couldn'y be said to belong uniquely to either of them, nor did they both
just happen to come in; I think "jo'u" is good. any corrections? Also
changed "ti" at end to "vi" Is this okay?
.i la stiv. goi ko'e pu djica lenu ko'e tavla la tcip. leko'e zgike
sanze'a
Steve hereafter-called he2 earlier desired the-event: he2 talk-to Chip
about he2's music sound-increaser
Changed the pro-sumti to avoid collision with earlier def of ko'a. Not
necessary, but I think it's good. Otherwise the same. Left the
tanru/lujvo for amplifier.
.i seba'i le sego'i ko'e pu lebna leko'e sanze'a la kairos.
Instead-of the-second-arg-of-the-last, he2 earilier take he2's
sound-increaser from Kairos.
Left the same, except to change la'edi'u to le sego'i. I think this use of
seba'i is okay. Oh, dear. I just realized: Does this conflict with using
BAI words attached to the sentence link?
ni'o la .endis. jo'u leri prami noi xunre se kerfa cu klama
(new) Andy in-common-with the-last's lover who-incidentally: is redly
be-haired comes.
Again used jo'u. original used poi and also ponse [lo] xunre kerfa. This
isn't a good use of ponse, and this way is much neater. Also changed
culturally-charged xlipe'o to prami, just be sure not to bring cultural
weightings into that one. Actually, just leaving the klama at the end like
that leaves us in doubt as to whether they've just left or just arrived.
Twery's translation gives the latter. We need another arg (like la
kairos.) at the end to clarify in the Lojban version.
ni'o la patsis. klain. cu lu'a sanga la'elu nu cadzu ba le midycte li'u vecu'u
le zgidribra
(new) Patsy Cline (loosely) sings the-referent-of "event-of walking after
mid-night" in-media music-ribbon-apparatus.
Using lu'a to indicate that we're not being literal here. I don't think
pe'o is necessary. Using "la'e"-convention for song titles. Using vecu'u
where original had ra'i, implying that Patsy was standing in the tape
player. Left lujvo for tape player intact.
.i la patsis. na'o sanga loi driselsanga poi se cmene zoi .tik. blues .tik.
bau le glibau
Patsy habitually sings the-mass-of sad-things-sung which are-named "blues"
in-language English-language
Original had misused relative clause. Otherwise the same.
ni'o cabna lenu la endis jo'u leri prami cu cliva
(new) now-is-when the-event: Andy in-common-with the-last's lover leave
See above for jo'u and prami. added nu. Should it be fa lenu (as orig)?
Is this right for cabna?
.i zo co'o se cusku
"partings" are-expressed
Orig. left out "zo", which is necessary.
ni'o pa drata xunkrexli ca zvati
(new) one other red-hair-girl now is-at
Same as original. I don't like xunkrexli; it's misusing nixli. In
English, we can get away with calling females of the age in question
"girls" (in some circles), but Lojban is less forgiving. Even tho nixli is
culturally defined, I still think of a red-haired seven-year-old. I'd use
ninmu or something.
.i mi krici ledu'u loi nixli cu nelci le xunre kerfa
I believe the-sentence: the-mass-of girls likes red hair
Changed pensi to krici, as above. Still don't like nixli, but left it in
anyway (you want professional editing? get a professional). Orig had
final tanru backwards. Maybe lei xunre kerfa would be better?
ni'o leli'i ciska cu sutra sidju lepu'u mi cilre la lojban.
(new) the experience-of: writing quickly-helps the-processof: I learn
Lojban.
Orig had sesi'u instead of lepu'u. Apart from s/l type, arguably good.
Also had le mi mu'e cilre lojbo, which really doesn't cut it. Is this good
use for lepu'u?
.i mi ji'a pu lifri le li'i go'i ca lepu'u mi cilre le banrsperanto
I (additionally!) earlier experience the experience-of: the-last-sentence
during the-process: I learn language-Esperanto.
This is definitely wrong. Even beyond any other mistakes, it means that
writing helped him learn Lojban when he was learning Esperanto. Maybe I
should have just ellipsized it; I think the orig. did.
.i mi zabna cilre tai le se lifri
I favorably-learn by-method the-experienced.
I'm not wild about this one either, but it seems okay.
ni'o mi bazi tcidu zo'e pe bau la lojban. lemi lojbo kasrcku
(new) I later-shortly read (something) which is-in-language Lojban from my
Lojban assembled-book.
Fixed the grammar. Left tanru/lujvo.
.i co'o
Bye.
fa'o
End-of-text
-------
OK, there you have it. All ready for the next round. Have fun.
~mark